So, I've admitted my fears to myself and to you and all of the internet but as crazy as it sounds, I haven't talked to Mike yet. He's got so much on his plate, he's been traveling for work a lot and the youth football team he coaches just had their last game. I just don't want to burden him. I know he knows that something is up. I'm super emotional. I find myself on the verge of tears over the smallest things. It's not really that I don't want to burden him, thats just an excuse. In all honesty, it's one thing to admit my fears but it's another thing to say it out loud. I can't bring myself to say the very words that are always on my mind. It would somehow make it more real, and I just can't do it...

Not a Pity Post

This is not a pity post. I am not looking for sympathy or reassurance. I just want to express some of my true feelings at this moment...

I know that everything will be ok. Or at least how it should be but it doesn't stop all the fears from creeping into my head. This journey has really just begun, it's been easy up until this point but already it has caused some strain on out relationship. Not a huge strain, not a "should we really be doing this strain" but a strain. We fight and we get over it but I am so afraid of what will happen when we find out what's wrong. I'm so afraid we will find fault and place blame. And that this fault, guilt or blame will rip us apart. I keep saying that I don't want to put my body through difficult fertility treatments, especially when there are so many children that need loving homes. Yet, I want to carry a child, I want a baby bump and a pregnancy glow. I want to feel him/her kick and to look down at their tiny face and see his chin and my nose. I know that when you adopt you accept the child as your own and it doesn't really matter how they got here but... I want my baby and it wasn't supposed to be this hard. I'm putting on my brave face and I know we are doing what we need to do but I'll be honest, I'm terrified.

So today started out well, I had a bunch of errands to run before my doctors appointment. I was getting things done and crossing them off my list when there was a slight glitch in my plans. I rearranged my schedule and it worked out, still got everything done but it was enough to put me in a sour mood. I was trying to stay calm today and it was just stressful enough to throw me off for the day.

My appointment went well. She decided not to do any tests beyond my annual pap smear and to just let the specialist handle it all next week. She did say that in her opinion I need to lose about 20 lbs and that she doesn't believe I'm ovulating. I have been charting and I really believe that I have been ovulating so we will see what the specialist says next Thursday.

There isn't really much to report. I do feel a little bummed tonight though. I got in the car after the appointment and wanted to cry but I couldn't tell you why. Maybe just the build up of all the emotions...

So tomorrow is my first appointment. I'm a little nervous but because the RE appointment is only a week away I don't think they'll do any tests. I'm trying to focus on other things for the moment. I'll try to post tomorrow afternoon with whatever the doctor says...

I've been writing a lot. Privately. So that has been helping but that also leaves me feeling like posting here less since a lot of my thoughts and feelings have gone into my other writing. That was a horrible run on sentence. Oh well...

Like Riding a Bike

This week I went down to Chicago to help my BFF paint a show. The show was Reefer Madness and it opened Thursday night (it goes through next weekend at the Viaduct Theatre, it was awesome so go see it if you get a chance). We worked until 6:30am on Thursday trying to get it all done. It was a lot of fun, especially with all the UIUC alum involved in the show. I enjoyed getting to paint again, it came back to me really easily, just like riding a bike. It felt really good, I had almost forgotten what those late nighters felt like, the exhaustion and adrenaline and watching a set come to life before your eyes, a blank slate turned into a new world...

Made the call

I did a little online research and made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. She is able to see me in a few weeks. It's scary but I feel like a weight has been lifted. It will be good to get answers. So now I have 2 doctors appointment in a month. Think happy thoughts for me?

So Maybe I'll just post every 7 months?

No, I'm going to try to pick this back up but I've started writing privately so that takes up some of my writing energy...

However, I've decided to open up about some things that have been going on in my personal life. Since November of 2009 Mike and I have been trying to get pregnant. No, this is not a pregnancy announcement. We have not been successful. The rule of thumb is that a couple our age should try for a full year before seeking help from a doctor. The year point has hit and I have an appointment later this month to start the process of testing and decide what the next step is. I have educated myself and have a read Taking Charge of Your Fertility and begun charting my cycles. I am drinking pomegranate juice, taking prenatal vitamins and folic acid. I really don't want advice on how to get pregnant because I've heard it all at this point. I'm not looking for comments about how we are young and we need to stop stressing and let it happen. I just want to share my journey. I know there are lots of women out there who are silently struggling, wanting to talk with no one to talk to. I have been shushed by my own family. Yes, it is difficult to talk about but I am ready to be open. It is not easy to silently suffer, the best support you can provide is to listen so I'm hoping maybe I can help others by sharing my experiences.

So, I see my doctor in a few weeks and I have been trying to focus on anything else. I am honestly very scared. I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I am trying to tell myself that I will be okay with adoption but I want a little version of Mike and myself. I don't think I want to put my body through harsh fertility treatments. It's all very scary. I am hoping that I can use this blog to work through my feelings about all this... I just never thought it would be this hard to get pregnant.

It's been a rough couple of days. I am now unemployed. My grandma is really sick. I went to see her. It's hard to leave when you are fully aware that you may never see her again. It's hard to say goodbye. I've never been good at goodbyes.

Why do we push everyone who cares away at the times when we need them most? Why do I hermit myself in when I need company the most?

I feel lost.

One step forward?

So, I'm not sure where to begin. I've found myself being very depressed lately and I keep telling myself to be proactive and pull myself up by the bootstraps but I haven't quite figured out how to do that.

I am unhappy at my job, I am unhappy with my appearance, I am unhappy with my friendships.

I did do something tonight and it was a step in the right direction, I think. It has however, left me feeling very raw. What did I do? I called my ex best friend. I called Robbie. And we talked. And it was good. Will we talk again in the next year and a half? I hope so but who knows....

Maybe tomorrow I can take another step forward.

500 Days of Summer

Just watched 500 Days of Summer and loved it. One of the best movies I have ever seen. I related to it on so many levels and at the end I just wanted to cry.

For one thing the music in it was amazing. The Smiths, Regina Spektor. awesome.

Also, the line about hating someone and knowing they are the only one out there for you. I so remember that exact feeling with an ex boyfriend. We had a horribly destructive relationship and yet I think I forgot how to be me without him or that there could be someone else out there for me. When we were good we were good but the bad was horrible and hurtful and destructive.

At the end, she rips him apart at his favorite spot. My spot was ruined by my former best friend. That conversation still burns.

I can't describe how the movie made me feel eloquently at the moment but I had to get it out. I was literally blinking back tears at the end. Mostly because I miss my former best friend and it's been over a year since we've spoken and longer than that since we've had any sort of meaningful conversation. Sunday was my birthday and I was hoping he'd call. I called on his birthday and left him a message when he didn't answer. I didn't get a birthday call.