500 Days of Summer

Just watched 500 Days of Summer and loved it. One of the best movies I have ever seen. I related to it on so many levels and at the end I just wanted to cry.

For one thing the music in it was amazing. The Smiths, Regina Spektor. awesome.

Also, the line about hating someone and knowing they are the only one out there for you. I so remember that exact feeling with an ex boyfriend. We had a horribly destructive relationship and yet I think I forgot how to be me without him or that there could be someone else out there for me. When we were good we were good but the bad was horrible and hurtful and destructive.

At the end, she rips him apart at his favorite spot. My spot was ruined by my former best friend. That conversation still burns.

I can't describe how the movie made me feel eloquently at the moment but I had to get it out. I was literally blinking back tears at the end. Mostly because I miss my former best friend and it's been over a year since we've spoken and longer than that since we've had any sort of meaningful conversation. Sunday was my birthday and I was hoping he'd call. I called on his birthday and left him a message when he didn't answer. I didn't get a birthday call.

My sister said I should write in here more often...

It's been while since I've posted anything. Life's been busy but let me see if I can bring you up to speed...

Last time I wrote I was feeling very lost. I can't say I feel a whole lot better but I did quit my job and I begin a new job next week. What finally brought me to my breaking point? First, a teacher at work saw a parent at a bar without his wedding band talking to other women. She told a few of the other teachers at work, one of which felt because she was "friends" with the mother/wife that it was her moral duty to tell her. She asked the director of the center for permission to tell the wife. The director said it was fine. I felt that was a huge conflict of interest and moral issue. The teacher didn't see anything more than talking and this could potentially cause tons of problems or even destroy a marriage. Apparently the wife was already suspicious but I still don't agree with it. The director shouldn't have said it was ok and it should not have happened at work and while the teacher was on the clock. Just my opinion. The second issue was over the treatment of a child. The child was put down on the floor very hard and the teacher was acting out of anger. I felt the teacher should be written up or at the very least talked to but nothing happened. I was very upset that my concern was going unheard. So that was that, I started aggressively looking for another job, talked it over with Mike and gave my 2 weeks notice. There is a lack of respect and appreciation towards the teachers, the center has become money focused and not child focused.

My new job is at a brand new center that is only 15 minutes from my house. I will be a lead teacher in my own classroom! While I still don't know if working at a daycare is the right choice for me, this is a step up and should resolve a lot of the negative issues I was having.

We are settled into out new home. The cabinet doors are hung in the kitchen and we are hoping to get the hardware on this weekend. We are now getting ready for our Housewarming Party in a few weeks. I'm excited because a lot of people haven't seen our house yet and those that have saw it after we moved and hadn't settled yet so it's a lot different now that there are pictures on the walls and our touches throughout the house.

Mike and I did book a honeymoon for our anniversary. We went to Lake Geneva for our honeymoon last year. We were there for a long weekend but it was November and a lot was closed since it was off season. It was so cold and while we did enjoy ourselves it wasn't the honeymoon of our dreams. We will be going to St. Lucia this November and staying at a Sandals resort. I'm super excited to lay on the beach, swim, read, relax and enjoy some romantic time with Mike.

I think that's all for now. I'll try to write more often Missy!

Dreams

Lately I've been having a re-occurring dream. It's almost the same every time. I am at college, my mind says it's UIUC but the locations aren't locations on campus. I'm always super bundled up like it's freezing outside and carrying several heavy books. I always start inside a building, frantically trying to find an exit to reach my next class. I'm sweating since I'm so bundled up but I'm still inside. Everyone I ask for help is mean to me and in one dream I ended up on the floor outside a classroom crying. It's like the armory or altgeld with hallways that just end or go up to a single classroom. In one dream, I made it outside and I was just as lost and people were still just as mean.

I've decided that it can be decoded to describe my feelings about life. I feel lost, career-wise. I can't find anything in the theatre field. I'm not particularly happy working at the daycare. I'm not sure what my other options are, what would make me happy. I worry that it's pointless to go to grad school because by the time I finish I will want kids and what's the point of a degree if I'm not going to use it for a few years? I think people are mean because I am looking for directions and no one else can really give me the direction I need. I'm not sure why I'm bundled up and carrying heavy books though. Perhaps just to make the frustration that much greater?

So I'm feeling horrible disappointed and upset. Maybe it's the stress, excitement and exhaustion of packing up and moving but I'm very frustrated. I don't feel that it's too much to ask for my family to be excited for me and want to see my new house, my first house. I know that they have busy lives, I know mom has been sick but I stop and at least listen, and care about their lives. I am excited for them. Why can't they share my excitement? Why can't they make time to come see the house? It's an hour away. Mike's parents are 5 hours and they are so excited and are already planning to visit. So frustrating. I don't think it's too much to ask.

End of rant.

Move in Day is Tuesday. I have all next week off to get things done in the new house. Our paint colors are picked out and we spent the day packing yesterday.

As Mike works for PPG, we're using Pittsburg Paints. I used their online paint thing to decide which colors would work together. These are the bedroom wall colors. The brown will have a Victorian Baroque wallpaper Styled Stencil in the blue over it. That will be the wall that the bed is against and should just give it a little extra special touch.

This is a pre-designed kitchen so ours won't be the same. The brown of the fridge, tile, etc is not what our kitchen is. Our back splash is blue and our appliances are white. The cabinets are getting painted the blue gray and will be accented with the light blue wall color. I think it will be much nicer than the salmon and orange cabinet colors that are there now.

This weekend has been wonderful. Yesterday we slept in late, made homemade pizza for lunch, packed up the office and then curled up on the couch with the pooches watching How I Met Your Mother. Today we slept in, in fact Mike and Baron are still in bed and Duchess and I are having some girl time this morning. My sister and her friend are coming later today to go see a concert at Summerfest. I bought her tickets for her birthday. We are also going to have to stop by the house this afternoon and go eat some sushi before the concert. It will be a nice day!

What's been on my mind...

We are officially home owners! It is so exciting but now we have to wait a week to move in. We all know I am not so good at being patient. It's an awesome feeling but there is a lot of other stuff going on in my life too.

This weekend Mike and I went and saw Kiss at summerfest. Mike thought that we should both see them at least once in our lives and this is the 35th anniversary tour so we got tickets. Mike enjoyed it but it was very much not my thing. I don't care to see Gene Simmons stick out his tongue for the entire show or to see him puke up blood. Chevelle opened for Kiss and they were good. They made me think back to high school a bit and left me missing old friends, more about that later. We saw Barenaked Ladies and the Bodeans too. They were both very cool.

My mom has been in and out of the hospital lately and I wrote a long entry about my feelings towards it all. It felt good to get it out but I wasn't able to hit that post button. It seems to private to just post out to the entire Internet and I don't know how to make this subscriber's only or whatever. I'll have to figure that out. Hopefully, she'll go home sometime this week. It was pretty scary though. Her blood pressure plummeted and she was hallucinating.

So, back to missing old friends, I don't know if it was Summerfest or the fact that it is summer but I am very much missing my friends. I'm still really struggling to make friends here. People at work are either parents and living lives revolving around their kids or still in college or single. I want to hang out with friends, go to dinner or go shopping. I want to sit on our new deck and cook on the grill and relax. I don't want to drink 'til I'm drunk, I don't want to sing karaoke and I definitely don't want to do drugs with you. I'm missing my high school best friend. We used to be so close we could finish each other's sentences. Towards the end of high school are relationship was strained and it only became more strained in college. Romantic feelings got in the way and later it was that the friendship wasn't working both ways. Eventually I called him out on it. I couldn't take listening to his problems and never being able to talk to him about my life. I know regret that because instead of fixing our issues it ended our friendship. He tried for a few weeks but then our friendship just crumbled. I was so hurt I almost didn't invite him to the wedding but I did and I'm glad. That was the last time we spoke. I called on his birthday but he didn't call back. It's sad but I don't know what to do about it. We are in very different places in our lives.

So that's what has been on my mind.

Quick Update

We found a house! We close the 29th and move in July 7th. If all goes as planned, details and pics soon!

This weekend I planned my first Doxie Platdate. I found this great doggie daycare and we had a great turn-out. They had baby pools for the puppies to cool off in and they had ramps and obstacles for the puppies to play on.

And the house hunt continues... We put in an offer on the house described in the last post and they counter offered and we counter offered and they counter offered. It still wasn't low enough so we rejected the offer and had to move on.  We have a new realtor and saw some great homes on Saturday. We have our eye on one but I don't want to jinx it. 

Other then house hunting, Missy is home from Prague! I missed her lots but she's having a hard time finding a job for the summer and an apartment for next semester. I think it's been a hard transition for her. Work is going well. There's a lot of drama but I'm still new so a lot of it happens without me knowing or being involved at all. My mom is ok, she has had a headache for a couple of days. It's hard to feel so helpless and there's a lot of old feelings that come back up. I had lunch with Missy yesterday and it was really good to have some sister time and talk about stuff. 

We visited Mike's parents over memorial day weekend. I went into it with hard feelings because we were not so much asked to come visit but told that either we were visiting or they were visiting us. However, it was an ok weekend. For 4 years we've avoided going to see the Abe Lincoln Presidential Museum but we ran out of excuses that weekend. Luckily it wasn't quite as bad as we thought it would be and it didn't take that long, just a few hours Sunday morning. 

My dilemma at the moment is that Mike's second cousin (who threw my bridal shower in Springfield) is having a baby shower the same day that my cousin (and bridesmaid) Sara is having her graduation party. I want to go to Sara's but I feel like I should go to Tina's shower. I've feeling torn. I have a couple weeks to figure it out though. 

New House?

Today Mike and I put an offer on a house. We will know by Thursday at noon. It is a beautiful home in Franklin. It needs some work but it is a 4 bedroom 2.5 bath. The first floor has a living room, formal dining room, family room with french doors out to the deck and marble fireplace. The kitchen has a large pantry and the laundry is also on the first floor. Upstairs are the four bedrooms. The master has it's own bath and a large walk-in closet. The basement is finished and has 3 rooms and another bathroom which isn't counted in the total count listed though I don't know why. The bathrooms and the kitchen need new cabinet doors at the very least. It is an odd sized yard because it it on a cul-de-sac but it is pretty big. We're keeping our fingers crossed!

This has been a week of deep thought, of hope and despair, a week to change the weeks ahead. This has been a week of pleading, of memories, of loneliness, a week of excitement and a week of sadness. This has been a week of growth and reconnections, with myself, with Mike and with God.

I wish I could say more and explain but I can't put it into words at the moment.

A friend from high school and his fiance started writing and recording songs. I love their music, it's great for thinking. "It's You" brings tears to my eyes. You can listen hear:

http://www.myspace.com/timothyandabigail

House Hunting

Mike and I began the long process of house hunting this past weekend. We did our own house search on the internet, mapped out the open houses and picked 7 open houses to attend. We were searching for a realtor as much as a house. House wise, we didn't find too much that we liked. We figured out some things that are important to us though like a large master bedroom (so our new bedroom set will actually fit), a backyard, and I really want a formal dining room so I can entertain. We are looking in the Franklin area since they have the best schools. That's years down the road but hopefully we will be in this house for years. 

We did find a realtor we really like. We are meeting with her tonight. We also met some realtors that were not so great. One guy, who was no joke 7 feet tall, shook Mike's hand first on the way in and the way out even though I was closer. It was just so clearly a "man is more important" move. 

It's very exciting. It's very scary too, though. It's crazy to be this grown-up, I'm not sure when that happened. I'm excited but I know it takes some people a really long time to find a house... 

For Isabella and Maya...

This is Duchess in her Mardi Gras Dress...
This is a picture of the Mardi Gras Doxie Meet-up in Chicago. This gives an idea of what a ton of little Doxies running around look like. There is a whole other section to the room too!

This is Baron as a crawfish for Mardi Gras and Duchess in her pretty dress!

Duchess in her favorite coat!

Easter Weekend

Easter was interesting. It's so much more complicated to celebrate holidays with both families. It's so busy and his family frustrates me and I'm sure my family frustrates him... Oh well.

This weekend my mom had a bad headache. It's been awhile since I've seen her that bad, with the confusion and stuttering. It was very hard and I think that was the first time Mike had seen her like that. Thats what so much of high school was like, it was very hard to be back at that place. By the end of the night I had the worst migraine I'd had in a long time. I don't know if whatever triggered hers, also triggered mine or if it was more of a sympathetic headache and was caused by the emotions of seeing her that way. 

I don't know. It's tough. 

I'm also incredibly homesick except the home I'm missing isn't around anymore. I'm missing old friends and remembering good times. High school friends and hanging out, pranks and concerts, going for drives, and hanging out. I miss them so much but we aren't the same people anymore so where does that leave this idea of home? I miss college and the good times I had there, thursdays at murphys, hanging on the quad but those friends have graduated too. That time has passed. I am not sure what to do about all this...

Junior League

So, in an effort to meet new people and learn more about the city and community, I'm thinking of joining the Junior League. There's an information session in 2 weeks so we'll see how that goes...

Baron's 1st Birthday!

Today is Baron's 1st Birthday. Boy, does time fly. It has been a very busy year though, moving back to Palatine and then to Milwaukee, getting married, adopting Duchess, our first married Christmas, new jobs...

We woke up and he and Duchess came into the big bed to sleep in. The they finished the milk from my cereal and we took them to the puppy store to pick out a new toy and treats. They played with the owner's Chihuahua Ti. Baron thought she was so pretty and loved chasing her around the store (we're regulars and they love our pups). Baron has a new shirt that says Mama's boy and Duchess has a new yellow spring dress. They also got new bones and a new rubber toy. Baron got Bacon flavored popcorn as a special treat for tonight. He loves regular popcorn so I'm sure he'll go nuts for Bacon flavored popcorn. After the store, we went for a walk by the lake and drove around enjoying the beautiful day. 

This is my kind of day. Casual and laid back and spent doing things together. The pups are exhausted after the long walk and we pulled out the sofa bed so we can all snuggle and watch movies for the rest of the night.

This truly is the best kind of day....

A Real Job

I started my new job. It's a good fit. The part that got me thinking was that this is the first job that I've started with the intention of it being long-term. It's not just for a semester or two at school, it's not just a summer job. This is a job I could be at for years. That's a little daunting...

Dachshunds

We have two beautiful doxie puppies. Baron is chocolate standard smooth coat. He's 11 months and he is a little guard dog or so he thinks. He is very protective of us and of his sister. Duchess is our little princess. She is a black and tan mini smooth coat and almost 9 months old. She was a fierce little bark but nothing to follow it up. She is Dad's little angel. She just adores him and loves to shower him with kisses.

We love them very much and probably spoil them a bit. The past three weekends we have had doggy play dates. The first was Pawty Gras and included musical mats and a costume contest for the pooches. Last week was the Suburban Chicago Luck of the Irish. It benefited All American Dachshund Rescue. We won a raffle basket and they love all the new toys and treats. This weekend was the Milwaukee Luck of the Irish play date. The Milwaukee group is much smaller but so much closer and easier to get to. There also seemed to be some younger dogs and younger couples and definitely more men for Mike to talk with. The play dates are great, especially in cold weather. Both dogs are snoozing on my lap right now. They get to run and chase their friends and it really wears them out. 

Baron's new favorite activity is eating dust. He loves to sit near a window where there a stream of light and catch the dust particles he sees floating in the air. At first I couldn't figure out what he was watching and trying to eat but when I changed my view I saw it. It's pretty hilarious to watch.

I don't know if there was a purpose to this post, I guess it's just about how much I love my doxies. 

Books...

So I just finished reading "A Wedding in December" by Anita Shreve. This is the type of book that I would have loved just a few short months ago. Now, I hated it. I love romances but now that I'm married so many of the books I once loved seem horrible. They contain romantic love affairs. I used to love "Bridges of Madison County" but all that book does is romanticize an affair.  The idea of an affair seems horrible and disgusting. I can't cheer on the main couple if it is leading to an affair. How could I once view that as romantic? I feel disgusted that I once found such books to be so sweet and romantic. I think I need to find a new genre since affairs are so common in romance novels...

Married Life...

So people keep asking me "How is married life?" or "How's married life treating you?" I usually respond with "Great" or "It's not that different except you live together."

In truth, though, it is very different. One of the biggest differences for me is that when you fight you can't just retreat to your own place or even to your own bedroom. All of your space is common space, the best you can do is lock yourself in a bathroom. Now, don't get me wrong, we haven't been in tons of fights. It's just one of the main "issues" that has come up in "married life."

I think it's harder for me too since I'm in a new town. I haven't made many friends, none that I could run to in a fight. I also don't know my way around yet. I haven't found that "safe spot." In college, I would sit on the amphitheatre at Krannert to collect my thoughts. I could take a walk and people watch. 

There are things that I didn't expect too. I didn't know we would have to file our taxes jointly to claim our tuition (I don't understand this but even a tax consultant told us it's true). We both have been very private with our finances and this forced us to open up about them. I didn't feel ready for that, I don't really like it, and I'm still not very comfortable with it. But, it is was it is.

There's also the little things. Clearly, when there are two of you, if you didn't do it, you know who did. I am driven crazy by the clutter on the counter. Mike hates that I have a tendency to leave glasses out. I've never had a TV in the bedroom and now we do and I still don't think it's a good thing. There are little differences in our routines and figuring out how we can both settle into new morning and nighttime routines has been interesting. 

Don't get me wrong, I love Mike and I love married life but it is a change. I love waking up next to him every morning and cooking meals together. I love our late night conversations. 

Working as a Nanny

Working as a nanny is a difficult job. It requires a bond with the child and as all mothers now, caring for a child is not always easy but can be very rewarding. I've learned that the correct fit with a family can make all the difference in the world. When you are with the right family there is a bond with the parents and the child, open communication and respect.

 I think respect is a big issue, yes a nanny is technically an employee, but that's not a good attitude. A nanny is an employee responsible for the care of your child. She has a huge impact on your child's development. It is important that the nanny feel her time is valued. Be home when you say you will be, do not expect her to be on call for you anytime. It is also important that her opinions and concerns are addressed and her personal privacy respected. 

I know that most nannies don't like nanny cams but I actually think they are a good idea. Any good nanny should not mind a nanny cam and if you have a good nanny the camera won;t find anything concerning. However, if you allow your nanny to use your computer when the child naps than respect that and don't monitor what sites she visits. 

I also think it's important to honor your promises. You trust her to care for your child so be respectful and do as you say you would. 

I feel that I am a good nanny, going above and beyond. I made a care book with a form for Emergency Contact Info for the Children, Daily Care Forms with information about the child's appetite, sleep patterns, activities and mood. (If you are interested in these forms I can e-mail them to you).  I also included information about local activities and museums for children, activities to do at home with the kids and product recall information. It is important that the parents appreciate when nannies go above and beyond. They need praise and to feel the effort is valued.

Those are my random thoughts about childcare. It has been a frustrating few weeks with a family that was not a good fit and I felt the need to release all those thoughts into the world.

First Post

Well, for awhile I've had all these thoughts and I've wished I had a place to record them or discuss them. My livejournal from high school didn't seem like the right place to post.  I've created this blog to post my interesting thoughts, funny stories and maybe some stuff about my daily life. We'll see how/where this goes.