Like Riding a Bike

This week I went down to Chicago to help my BFF paint a show. The show was Reefer Madness and it opened Thursday night (it goes through next weekend at the Viaduct Theatre, it was awesome so go see it if you get a chance). We worked until 6:30am on Thursday trying to get it all done. It was a lot of fun, especially with all the UIUC alum involved in the show. I enjoyed getting to paint again, it came back to me really easily, just like riding a bike. It felt really good, I had almost forgotten what those late nighters felt like, the exhaustion and adrenaline and watching a set come to life before your eyes, a blank slate turned into a new world...

Made the call

I did a little online research and made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. She is able to see me in a few weeks. It's scary but I feel like a weight has been lifted. It will be good to get answers. So now I have 2 doctors appointment in a month. Think happy thoughts for me?

So Maybe I'll just post every 7 months?

No, I'm going to try to pick this back up but I've started writing privately so that takes up some of my writing energy...

However, I've decided to open up about some things that have been going on in my personal life. Since November of 2009 Mike and I have been trying to get pregnant. No, this is not a pregnancy announcement. We have not been successful. The rule of thumb is that a couple our age should try for a full year before seeking help from a doctor. The year point has hit and I have an appointment later this month to start the process of testing and decide what the next step is. I have educated myself and have a read Taking Charge of Your Fertility and begun charting my cycles. I am drinking pomegranate juice, taking prenatal vitamins and folic acid. I really don't want advice on how to get pregnant because I've heard it all at this point. I'm not looking for comments about how we are young and we need to stop stressing and let it happen. I just want to share my journey. I know there are lots of women out there who are silently struggling, wanting to talk with no one to talk to. I have been shushed by my own family. Yes, it is difficult to talk about but I am ready to be open. It is not easy to silently suffer, the best support you can provide is to listen so I'm hoping maybe I can help others by sharing my experiences.

So, I see my doctor in a few weeks and I have been trying to focus on anything else. I am honestly very scared. I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I am trying to tell myself that I will be okay with adoption but I want a little version of Mike and myself. I don't think I want to put my body through harsh fertility treatments. It's all very scary. I am hoping that I can use this blog to work through my feelings about all this... I just never thought it would be this hard to get pregnant.

It's been a rough couple of days. I am now unemployed. My grandma is really sick. I went to see her. It's hard to leave when you are fully aware that you may never see her again. It's hard to say goodbye. I've never been good at goodbyes.

Why do we push everyone who cares away at the times when we need them most? Why do I hermit myself in when I need company the most?

I feel lost.

One step forward?

So, I'm not sure where to begin. I've found myself being very depressed lately and I keep telling myself to be proactive and pull myself up by the bootstraps but I haven't quite figured out how to do that.

I am unhappy at my job, I am unhappy with my appearance, I am unhappy with my friendships.

I did do something tonight and it was a step in the right direction, I think. It has however, left me feeling very raw. What did I do? I called my ex best friend. I called Robbie. And we talked. And it was good. Will we talk again in the next year and a half? I hope so but who knows....

Maybe tomorrow I can take another step forward.

500 Days of Summer

Just watched 500 Days of Summer and loved it. One of the best movies I have ever seen. I related to it on so many levels and at the end I just wanted to cry.

For one thing the music in it was amazing. The Smiths, Regina Spektor. awesome.

Also, the line about hating someone and knowing they are the only one out there for you. I so remember that exact feeling with an ex boyfriend. We had a horribly destructive relationship and yet I think I forgot how to be me without him or that there could be someone else out there for me. When we were good we were good but the bad was horrible and hurtful and destructive.

At the end, she rips him apart at his favorite spot. My spot was ruined by my former best friend. That conversation still burns.

I can't describe how the movie made me feel eloquently at the moment but I had to get it out. I was literally blinking back tears at the end. Mostly because I miss my former best friend and it's been over a year since we've spoken and longer than that since we've had any sort of meaningful conversation. Sunday was my birthday and I was hoping he'd call. I called on his birthday and left him a message when he didn't answer. I didn't get a birthday call.

My sister said I should write in here more often...

It's been while since I've posted anything. Life's been busy but let me see if I can bring you up to speed...

Last time I wrote I was feeling very lost. I can't say I feel a whole lot better but I did quit my job and I begin a new job next week. What finally brought me to my breaking point? First, a teacher at work saw a parent at a bar without his wedding band talking to other women. She told a few of the other teachers at work, one of which felt because she was "friends" with the mother/wife that it was her moral duty to tell her. She asked the director of the center for permission to tell the wife. The director said it was fine. I felt that was a huge conflict of interest and moral issue. The teacher didn't see anything more than talking and this could potentially cause tons of problems or even destroy a marriage. Apparently the wife was already suspicious but I still don't agree with it. The director shouldn't have said it was ok and it should not have happened at work and while the teacher was on the clock. Just my opinion. The second issue was over the treatment of a child. The child was put down on the floor very hard and the teacher was acting out of anger. I felt the teacher should be written up or at the very least talked to but nothing happened. I was very upset that my concern was going unheard. So that was that, I started aggressively looking for another job, talked it over with Mike and gave my 2 weeks notice. There is a lack of respect and appreciation towards the teachers, the center has become money focused and not child focused.

My new job is at a brand new center that is only 15 minutes from my house. I will be a lead teacher in my own classroom! While I still don't know if working at a daycare is the right choice for me, this is a step up and should resolve a lot of the negative issues I was having.

We are settled into out new home. The cabinet doors are hung in the kitchen and we are hoping to get the hardware on this weekend. We are now getting ready for our Housewarming Party in a few weeks. I'm excited because a lot of people haven't seen our house yet and those that have saw it after we moved and hadn't settled yet so it's a lot different now that there are pictures on the walls and our touches throughout the house.

Mike and I did book a honeymoon for our anniversary. We went to Lake Geneva for our honeymoon last year. We were there for a long weekend but it was November and a lot was closed since it was off season. It was so cold and while we did enjoy ourselves it wasn't the honeymoon of our dreams. We will be going to St. Lucia this November and staying at a Sandals resort. I'm super excited to lay on the beach, swim, read, relax and enjoy some romantic time with Mike.

I think that's all for now. I'll try to write more often Missy!

Dreams

Lately I've been having a re-occurring dream. It's almost the same every time. I am at college, my mind says it's UIUC but the locations aren't locations on campus. I'm always super bundled up like it's freezing outside and carrying several heavy books. I always start inside a building, frantically trying to find an exit to reach my next class. I'm sweating since I'm so bundled up but I'm still inside. Everyone I ask for help is mean to me and in one dream I ended up on the floor outside a classroom crying. It's like the armory or altgeld with hallways that just end or go up to a single classroom. In one dream, I made it outside and I was just as lost and people were still just as mean.

I've decided that it can be decoded to describe my feelings about life. I feel lost, career-wise. I can't find anything in the theatre field. I'm not particularly happy working at the daycare. I'm not sure what my other options are, what would make me happy. I worry that it's pointless to go to grad school because by the time I finish I will want kids and what's the point of a degree if I'm not going to use it for a few years? I think people are mean because I am looking for directions and no one else can really give me the direction I need. I'm not sure why I'm bundled up and carrying heavy books though. Perhaps just to make the frustration that much greater?

So I'm feeling horrible disappointed and upset. Maybe it's the stress, excitement and exhaustion of packing up and moving but I'm very frustrated. I don't feel that it's too much to ask for my family to be excited for me and want to see my new house, my first house. I know that they have busy lives, I know mom has been sick but I stop and at least listen, and care about their lives. I am excited for them. Why can't they share my excitement? Why can't they make time to come see the house? It's an hour away. Mike's parents are 5 hours and they are so excited and are already planning to visit. So frustrating. I don't think it's too much to ask.

End of rant.

Move in Day is Tuesday. I have all next week off to get things done in the new house. Our paint colors are picked out and we spent the day packing yesterday.

As Mike works for PPG, we're using Pittsburg Paints. I used their online paint thing to decide which colors would work together. These are the bedroom wall colors. The brown will have a Victorian Baroque wallpaper Styled Stencil in the blue over it. That will be the wall that the bed is against and should just give it a little extra special touch.

This is a pre-designed kitchen so ours won't be the same. The brown of the fridge, tile, etc is not what our kitchen is. Our back splash is blue and our appliances are white. The cabinets are getting painted the blue gray and will be accented with the light blue wall color. I think it will be much nicer than the salmon and orange cabinet colors that are there now.

This weekend has been wonderful. Yesterday we slept in late, made homemade pizza for lunch, packed up the office and then curled up on the couch with the pooches watching How I Met Your Mother. Today we slept in, in fact Mike and Baron are still in bed and Duchess and I are having some girl time this morning. My sister and her friend are coming later today to go see a concert at Summerfest. I bought her tickets for her birthday. We are also going to have to stop by the house this afternoon and go eat some sushi before the concert. It will be a nice day!