I WILL BE

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that I have been given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that I am led to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

-Author Unknown

Lucky Number 11?

A girl can hope. Aunt Flo arrived today so we move on to Month 14 and Cycle 11 of TTC. I spent most of the day waiting to hear back from the RE's office to schedule my HSG. I finally got a call from a nurse at 4:30. She informed me that my doctor is on leave for a few weeks so I either have to let a male doctor I've never met shove dye up my who-ha or I have to wait another cycle. I am having bad cramps and feeling super emotional and that was not what I needed to hear. Of course I'm sucking it up and doing it but I just feel like I really need a win right now...

So, it's been a rough couple of days. We went to Michigan for Grandmas funeral and we've been home for a couple of days.

I've been so exhausted lately and seem to have a bit of a stomach bug. I've had a low grade fever. Of course, the crazy woman in me has been attributing every one of these things to early pregnancy signs. I'm expecting my period on Friday so it is way too early. I also had some spotting today which isn't really normal for me and could be a pregnancy sign but could also just mean Aunt Flo is on her way...

I'd love to be more optimistic but I'm not really feeling like there is any chance.

Yet, I know I will still be crushed.

Grandma Gladys

This morning Grandma K passed away surrounded by 3 of her 5 sons...

My dad called shortly after to let me know. I came downstairs this morning and was surprised that the sun had still risen and that the rest of the world was going on like normal. How can they just go about their day when my world just crashed around me?

Last night, Mike and I laid in bed and I told him I was sad that he will never know the Grandma K that I knew growing up. I then laid there and told him memory after memory of her, of getting her for Valentine's Day and surprising my dad, her trips with the senior center, our vacation to Ludington, her love of sweets...

I will always love you Grandma, rest in peace...

So, the past few days have been a bit of a whirlwind. Grandma is holding on but it seems the end is near. Her breathing has changed, she's become more restless. I just hope she remains pain free and goes peacefully...

In other news, Mike's mother had her annual November party last weekend. We went down and it was really nice. His cousin announced she is pregnant with her second. She became pregnant with #1 shortly after our wedding so she will have 2 under 2. I truly am very happy for her, however, it was very difficult to hear. I had hoped we would be expecting by now and that we would be announcing it to our families. I held it together in front of everyone but then I snuck off to shower and get ready and cried in the shower. I have days when I am fine and there are days when I see pregnant woman at Target and blink back tears...

All I want for Christmas is a baby...

So we are playing a bit of a waiting game. I stopped charting this cycle so I feel like I am blindly navigating through a dark maze.

In other news, my grandma (my dad's mom) has taken a turn for the worse in Michigan. She is in hospice and the doctors are saying she may have hours or days. My parents and sister are on their way to see her now. Mike has to work in the morning and I injured my back so I have a chiropractic appointment in the morning (hopefully they can help me manage my pain for the 6 hour drive, and at least help me to stand up straight) and then we will leave in the afternoon and stay there for a few days. If you pray, can you say a prayer that Grandma is pain free and at peace?

I was numb to it yesterday but today it has really hit me. It might be selfish but one of the things that saddens me most is that she won't see my babies. She won't make them a baby blanket, she won't get a chance to hold them...

Change of Plans

My test was cancelled for today and since next week's appointment was to discuss today's test it has also been cancelled. Well, not cancelled, but postponed for next month after I have the test done. Hurry up and wait. Yesterday I was pretty upset, I feel like I was close to having answers and they slipped between my fingers. Very frustrating. But today I am trying to keep busy and not focus on it. I can't change it so I just have to deal.

I wish it was that easy. I am not a patient person and a year has already passed. I want my baby yesterday. Mike keeps asking what I want for christmas. All I want for christmas are 2 little pink lines...

Some Test Results...

So after all the testing yesterday I got some results back. My glucose level was very elevated so I'm being put on Metformin. Hopefully that will get my body back on track. One more test next tuesday and then we will discuss all the results the following week.

This morning I went in for some initial testing. I had to fast from 8pm last night until 10:45 this morning. I had blood drawn 3 times over the course of 2 hours and I had an ultrasound to look at my uterus and ovaries. My left ovary was hiding but the doctor didn't seem concerned. She said everything looked good.

I also got the results of Mike's SA. He has amazing swimmers. I'm really excited that his count, motility and morphology looked so awesome but that also just proves that it's me that's broken...

I have an HSG scheduled for next Tuesday and we go in for our "what's next" appointment in 2 weeks to discuss what all the tests found and decide what our next step will be.

CD 1 arrived naturally this weekend. Tomorrow morning I go in for testing so I have to fast for the next 12 hours.

I also have a horrible headache.

And it's our 2 year anniversary.

Awesome.