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He's here!

This is very late but here's our little man. Born 9-29. :)

It's a Boy!!

We had our anatomy scan Thursday morning and found out it's a little boy! He was a little shy and didn't want to show us his face but everything looks great! He seems very healthy! :)

Half Baked

Today I am 20 weeks along, officially halfway! Woohoo!

Back from Seattle

We just got back from Seattle. It was such a lovely trip and a great chance for Mike and I to reconnect before the baby comes. I enjoyed our time away. It was incredible to see the Orcas. If you are not friends with me on facebook but want to see our pictures, check out my Facebook Album.

I also had an appointment with my Midwife this morning. Everything is looking good, I got to hear babies heartbeat (about 145-150 beats per minute). She asked me if I'd felt any movement yet and I think I have but I'm unsure. She said it will become more obvious in the next few weeks as Baby gets bigger. Also, I am still below my pre-pregnancy weight and with no weight gain since my last appointment a month ago. They weren't really concerned with my 1st weight loss but now that I am still not gaining, she is a little concerned. We talked about what I've been eating and most of it is good. She says I need to watch the sodium level when I eat things like boxed mac and cheese and peanuts and that I need to eat more protein. All in all, a good appointment.

We find out the sex of the Baby in 2 weeks! I can't wait! I have a strong feeling that it is a boy but in my dreams, I always have a girl. We will see... I know I will be thrilled either way! I just want a healthy, happy baby!

16 weeks...

Baby is now the size of an avocado and can now hear Momma's voice!

Getting the nursery ready...

So we have begun to get the nursery ready. We won't find out the sex until the beginning of May but we decided that if we have another baby in a few years, they will probably have to share a room so it's best if the paint color is at least gender neutral. We are going with green walls and we will have a white tree either painted or vinyl sticker. We have found some stickers on etsy...

White Tree

White Tree with birds

Birch Trees

This is the bedding we decided on, it came with 10 pieces but not everything shown...

We are accenting with white and if it's a boy we will add some blue in and if it's a girl we will mix in some pink.

I think it will be quite lovely.

We also found this great picture frame at Target which will look great in the room!

September 20, 2011

Sounds like a good day right? That's our due date! Yup, we are pregnant!

Sorry for the little blog hiatus but we had been keeping this a secret until I was out of my first trimester. We are very very excited and feeling very blessed.

A little update on what the past few months have been like. I took a home pregnancy test in early January when my period was late. You may remember that I had been told that our chances of getting pregnant on a non-medicated cycle were very low. We had yet to start any medication besides metformin but planned to begin clomid the next cycle. So, I was very doubtful when taking that test, so doubtful that I took 7 tests (4 different brands including a digital) before I really believed it! It was a very happy day, filled with happy tears. We were in shock.

We called my RE and I went in for a blood test to confirm. It confirmed but was very low (117). The hcg number normally doubles in 48 hours so I went in again. It was 171. This was not a good sign. I had to leave for the weekend and so I had my blood rechecked on Monday, since this was about 96 hours later, there needed to be a BIG jump. It was 558. At this point I was told it was probably not a viable pregnancy. They were concerned it was ectopic or that perhaps I was miscarrying. They scheduled an ultrasound for 48 hours later. We went in and were relieved it was not ectopic but I wasn't in the clear. My numbers were checked again and we finally had a good jump, 1498! This was cause for joy, but we were still told to be cautious. I was put on progesterone to help support the pregnancy and an ultrasound was scheduled for a week and half later with the hope that we would see a heartbeat at that point. The next week and a half crawled by, I was excited but scared and felt every little twinge and over analyzed everything. It was very scary. The ultrasound day finally arrived and we saw the heartbeat! There were tears of relief and joy. We could finally relax a bit. You are never "safe" until the baby is born (and then there are still thousands of worries) but we were counting down the days until we were out of the first trimester as that is when the chance of miscarriage goes down significantly. Now we have seen the baby a few times and heard the heartbeat several times. It is such a beautiful sound.

So, I've been feeling ok, no morning sickness. I know I've been a bit moody and cranky but I don't think it's been too bad (you'd have to ask Mike). As far as cravings, celery at the beginning but it had to be dipped in hot sauce or peanut butter. Then it was carbs like mac and cheese and spaghetti. Lately it's been pickles and sour patch kids and water with lots of lemon.

That's a long update but I am so excited that it's not a secret anymore! I will post updates and maybe at some point I'll post belly pics and ultrasounds...

Stylish Blogger Award

I was given the Stylish Blogger Award from my fellow blogger Ashley! Thanks Ashley, I'm honored! :)

There are a few rules to this award:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 recently discovered bloggers.

4. Contact the bloggers and tell them about the award!

So 7 things about me...

1. Most people I know IRL don't have any idea about our TTC struggle, most blog friends don't know much beyond that, like I majored in Scenic Design for Theatre and I'm obsessed with my 2 doxies.

2. I think my biggest fear about pregnancy (beyond all the scary things most moms-to-be worry about) is that my feet will grow and I will never be able to wear all my super cute shoes again. I LOVE shoes and have close to 50 pairs but ironically, I only wear 2 or 3 comfy pairs regularly.

3. I was president of my college's Orchid Club for 2 years. I kill most houseplants but somehow manage to keep orchids alive.

4. My first weekend at college, my roommates went home and there was a cockroach in my room. I freaked out and tried to buy a bus ticket home. Low and behold, on the first Friday of college, they were sold out. On the way home I bought myself a houseplant, some viney thing and named him Ralph. He is still alive.

5. I love water. Growing up, I was always in the water, whether it was the little pool in the backyard, the neighborhood pool, Grandpa's pool or Lake Michigan. I love swimming. My hubby says I'm half fish. It doesn't matter how cold it is, I dive right in.

6. I love trashy TV. I still watch One Tree Hill, and I love almost every show on TLC. My guilty pleasures include Teen Mom, Real World/Road Rules Challenges, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice and Hoarders. (For the record, it is my husband who defines these shows as "trashy")

7. I would love to live on a farm and have tons of dogs. I would also love a horse.

Now, to pass this award on, I will move this out of the TTC circle a bit...

1. Dee over at TTC and Other Random Musings

2. Joey and Maggie over at The Long and Short of It All

3. Baxter at Kalyxcornucopia

4. My friend Melanie over at The Dineen Machine

5. Lisa at Hoping for a Chance

Today I got a beautiful necklace from my mother with the scripture I wrote about last week.

She got it from Christianbook.com

:)

Hi my name is Jenni and I'm infertile.

Went to the Infertility support group tonight. I am very glad I did. There are 2 women with a child each (one via embryo adoption) and 2 that are currently pregnant. There were 12 total, all varying in age and journey. It's just good to have someone in real life to talk to that gets it and I don't feel so crazy anymore.

15 dpo

So, as of today I am officially late. Not sure how I made it this long without testing. I've been slightly emotional and had a few waves of nausea and some headaches. I am so very very hopeful that I am literally scared to go to the bathroom. I know it sounds irrational but I am so scared to discover my period arrived. I should probably test tomorrow morning but right now that seems pretty scary too. I'm not sure if I want the truth or to hold on to hope.

Also, I'm reading a book called Conquering Infertility. I like it a lot. It is all about taking control or your life again and coping with the loneliness, guilt and other feelings that come with infertility. It has all these relaxation techniques and I can tell they are helping already. I think I was starting to become consumed by my infertility and slipping into a dark place.

I have also sought out a support group. My first meeting is Monday. I am excited and I am scared.

Overall I feel better. I am currently hopeful and I feel pretty happy. I feel like I am taking good steps to help myself.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I am trying to focus on this verse. Trying to trust God's plan. Trying to be hopeful and trust the future. But truthfully, I am very angry with God. I am having a very difficult time trusting his plan. I hate the hopefulness that builds inside me each month no matter how much I try to stop it. I hate the crushing devastation month after month. I'm trying to be positive but I find myself growing more and more cynical...

New Year- New Plan

We went to the RE on Wednesday. We have a new plan and I feel pretty good about it. I was officially diagnoised with PCOS (I suspected this was coming).

According to WebMD...

Early symptoms

Early symptoms of PCOS include:

• Few or no menstrual periods. This can range from less than nine menstrual cycles in a year (more than 35 days between cycles) to no menstrual periods.Some women with PCOS have regular periods but are not ovulating every month. This means that their ovaries are not releasing an egg each month.
• Heavy, irregular vaginal bleeding. About 30% of women with PCOS have this symptom.
• Hair loss from the scalp and hair growth (hirsutism) on the face, chest, back,stomach, thumbs, or toes. About 70% of women in the United States with PCOS complain of these hair problems caused by high androgen levels.
• Acne and oily skin, caused by high androgen levels.
• Depression or mood swings.

Living with PCOS symptoms can affect your sense of well-being, sexual satisfaction, and overall quality of life. This too can lead to depression.

Gradual symptoms

PCOS symptoms that may develop gradually include:

• Weight gain or upper body obesity (more around the abdomen than the hips). This is linked to high androgen levels.
• Male-pattern baldness or thinning hair (alopecia). This is linked to high androgen levels.
• Repeat miscarriages. The cause for this is not known. These miscarriages may be linked to high insulin levels, delayed ovulation, or other problems such as the quality of the egg or how the egg attaches to the uterus.
• Inability to become pregnant (infertility). This is because the ovaries are not releasing an egg (not ovulating).
• Symptoms of too much insulin (hyperinsulinemia) and insulin resistance, which can include upper body weight gain and skin changes, such as skin tags or dark, velvety skin patches under the arm, on the neck, or in the groin and genital area.
• Breathing problems while sleeping (obstructive sleep apnea). This is linked to both obesity and insulin resistance.

High blood pressure may be more common in women who have PCOS, especially if they are very overweight. Your doctor will check your blood pressure.

Here is the link if you'd like to read more: http://women.webmd.com/tc/polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos-topic-overview

The symptoms effecting me are insulin resistance, irregular periods, lack of ovulation and weight gain.

So what is the plan? Starting next cycle I will begin taking Clomid. Clomid should help my body produce mature eggs and ovulate. We will try this for 3 months and if we are still not pregnant we will move on to other options (IUI, IVF, adoption, etc). I feel good about this plan but am hoping that the combination of Metformin and Clomid does the trick.

New Year, New Plan. Here's hoping 2011 is our year!

HSG was this morning. I lived. It was a little uncomfortable, I felt the dye being pushed in and had a little cramping afterward. Good news is there was no blockage, my tubes are clear...

Next appointment is the 29th so we'll figure out the next step then...

I WILL BE

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that I have been given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that I am led to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

-Author Unknown

Lucky Number 11?

A girl can hope. Aunt Flo arrived today so we move on to Month 14 and Cycle 11 of TTC. I spent most of the day waiting to hear back from the RE's office to schedule my HSG. I finally got a call from a nurse at 4:30. She informed me that my doctor is on leave for a few weeks so I either have to let a male doctor I've never met shove dye up my who-ha or I have to wait another cycle. I am having bad cramps and feeling super emotional and that was not what I needed to hear. Of course I'm sucking it up and doing it but I just feel like I really need a win right now...

So, it's been a rough couple of days. We went to Michigan for Grandmas funeral and we've been home for a couple of days.

I've been so exhausted lately and seem to have a bit of a stomach bug. I've had a low grade fever. Of course, the crazy woman in me has been attributing every one of these things to early pregnancy signs. I'm expecting my period on Friday so it is way too early. I also had some spotting today which isn't really normal for me and could be a pregnancy sign but could also just mean Aunt Flo is on her way...

I'd love to be more optimistic but I'm not really feeling like there is any chance.

Yet, I know I will still be crushed.

Grandma Gladys

This morning Grandma K passed away surrounded by 3 of her 5 sons...

My dad called shortly after to let me know. I came downstairs this morning and was surprised that the sun had still risen and that the rest of the world was going on like normal. How can they just go about their day when my world just crashed around me?

Last night, Mike and I laid in bed and I told him I was sad that he will never know the Grandma K that I knew growing up. I then laid there and told him memory after memory of her, of getting her for Valentine's Day and surprising my dad, her trips with the senior center, our vacation to Ludington, her love of sweets...

I will always love you Grandma, rest in peace...

So, the past few days have been a bit of a whirlwind. Grandma is holding on but it seems the end is near. Her breathing has changed, she's become more restless. I just hope she remains pain free and goes peacefully...

In other news, Mike's mother had her annual November party last weekend. We went down and it was really nice. His cousin announced she is pregnant with her second. She became pregnant with #1 shortly after our wedding so she will have 2 under 2. I truly am very happy for her, however, it was very difficult to hear. I had hoped we would be expecting by now and that we would be announcing it to our families. I held it together in front of everyone but then I snuck off to shower and get ready and cried in the shower. I have days when I am fine and there are days when I see pregnant woman at Target and blink back tears...

All I want for Christmas is a baby...