Stylish Blogger Award

I was given the Stylish Blogger Award from my fellow blogger Ashley! Thanks Ashley, I'm honored! :)

There are a few rules to this award:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 recently discovered bloggers.

4. Contact the bloggers and tell them about the award!

So 7 things about me...

1. Most people I know IRL don't have any idea about our TTC struggle, most blog friends don't know much beyond that, like I majored in Scenic Design for Theatre and I'm obsessed with my 2 doxies.

2. I think my biggest fear about pregnancy (beyond all the scary things most moms-to-be worry about) is that my feet will grow and I will never be able to wear all my super cute shoes again. I LOVE shoes and have close to 50 pairs but ironically, I only wear 2 or 3 comfy pairs regularly.

3. I was president of my college's Orchid Club for 2 years. I kill most houseplants but somehow manage to keep orchids alive.

4. My first weekend at college, my roommates went home and there was a cockroach in my room. I freaked out and tried to buy a bus ticket home. Low and behold, on the first Friday of college, they were sold out. On the way home I bought myself a houseplant, some viney thing and named him Ralph. He is still alive.

5. I love water. Growing up, I was always in the water, whether it was the little pool in the backyard, the neighborhood pool, Grandpa's pool or Lake Michigan. I love swimming. My hubby says I'm half fish. It doesn't matter how cold it is, I dive right in.

6. I love trashy TV. I still watch One Tree Hill, and I love almost every show on TLC. My guilty pleasures include Teen Mom, Real World/Road Rules Challenges, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice and Hoarders. (For the record, it is my husband who defines these shows as "trashy")

7. I would love to live on a farm and have tons of dogs. I would also love a horse.

Now, to pass this award on, I will move this out of the TTC circle a bit...

1. Dee over at TTC and Other Random Musings

2. Joey and Maggie over at The Long and Short of It All

3. Baxter at Kalyxcornucopia

4. My friend Melanie over at The Dineen Machine

5. Lisa at Hoping for a Chance

Today I got a beautiful necklace from my mother with the scripture I wrote about last week.

She got it from Christianbook.com

:)

Hi my name is Jenni and I'm infertile.

Went to the Infertility support group tonight. I am very glad I did. There are 2 women with a child each (one via embryo adoption) and 2 that are currently pregnant. There were 12 total, all varying in age and journey. It's just good to have someone in real life to talk to that gets it and I don't feel so crazy anymore.

15 dpo

So, as of today I am officially late. Not sure how I made it this long without testing. I've been slightly emotional and had a few waves of nausea and some headaches. I am so very very hopeful that I am literally scared to go to the bathroom. I know it sounds irrational but I am so scared to discover my period arrived. I should probably test tomorrow morning but right now that seems pretty scary too. I'm not sure if I want the truth or to hold on to hope.

Also, I'm reading a book called Conquering Infertility. I like it a lot. It is all about taking control or your life again and coping with the loneliness, guilt and other feelings that come with infertility. It has all these relaxation techniques and I can tell they are helping already. I think I was starting to become consumed by my infertility and slipping into a dark place.

I have also sought out a support group. My first meeting is Monday. I am excited and I am scared.

Overall I feel better. I am currently hopeful and I feel pretty happy. I feel like I am taking good steps to help myself.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I am trying to focus on this verse. Trying to trust God's plan. Trying to be hopeful and trust the future. But truthfully, I am very angry with God. I am having a very difficult time trusting his plan. I hate the hopefulness that builds inside me each month no matter how much I try to stop it. I hate the crushing devastation month after month. I'm trying to be positive but I find myself growing more and more cynical...

New Year- New Plan

We went to the RE on Wednesday. We have a new plan and I feel pretty good about it. I was officially diagnoised with PCOS (I suspected this was coming).

According to WebMD...

Early symptoms

Early symptoms of PCOS include:

• Few or no menstrual periods. This can range from less than nine menstrual cycles in a year (more than 35 days between cycles) to no menstrual periods.Some women with PCOS have regular periods but are not ovulating every month. This means that their ovaries are not releasing an egg each month.
• Heavy, irregular vaginal bleeding. About 30% of women with PCOS have this symptom.
• Hair loss from the scalp and hair growth (hirsutism) on the face, chest, back,stomach, thumbs, or toes. About 70% of women in the United States with PCOS complain of these hair problems caused by high androgen levels.
• Acne and oily skin, caused by high androgen levels.
• Depression or mood swings.

Living with PCOS symptoms can affect your sense of well-being, sexual satisfaction, and overall quality of life. This too can lead to depression.

Gradual symptoms

PCOS symptoms that may develop gradually include:

• Weight gain or upper body obesity (more around the abdomen than the hips). This is linked to high androgen levels.
• Male-pattern baldness or thinning hair (alopecia). This is linked to high androgen levels.
• Repeat miscarriages. The cause for this is not known. These miscarriages may be linked to high insulin levels, delayed ovulation, or other problems such as the quality of the egg or how the egg attaches to the uterus.
• Inability to become pregnant (infertility). This is because the ovaries are not releasing an egg (not ovulating).
• Symptoms of too much insulin (hyperinsulinemia) and insulin resistance, which can include upper body weight gain and skin changes, such as skin tags or dark, velvety skin patches under the arm, on the neck, or in the groin and genital area.
• Breathing problems while sleeping (obstructive sleep apnea). This is linked to both obesity and insulin resistance.

High blood pressure may be more common in women who have PCOS, especially if they are very overweight. Your doctor will check your blood pressure.

Here is the link if you'd like to read more: http://women.webmd.com/tc/polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos-topic-overview

The symptoms effecting me are insulin resistance, irregular periods, lack of ovulation and weight gain.

So what is the plan? Starting next cycle I will begin taking Clomid. Clomid should help my body produce mature eggs and ovulate. We will try this for 3 months and if we are still not pregnant we will move on to other options (IUI, IVF, adoption, etc). I feel good about this plan but am hoping that the combination of Metformin and Clomid does the trick.

New Year, New Plan. Here's hoping 2011 is our year!

HSG was this morning. I lived. It was a little uncomfortable, I felt the dye being pushed in and had a little cramping afterward. Good news is there was no blockage, my tubes are clear...

Next appointment is the 29th so we'll figure out the next step then...

I WILL BE

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that I have been given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that I am led to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

-Author Unknown

Lucky Number 11?

A girl can hope. Aunt Flo arrived today so we move on to Month 14 and Cycle 11 of TTC. I spent most of the day waiting to hear back from the RE's office to schedule my HSG. I finally got a call from a nurse at 4:30. She informed me that my doctor is on leave for a few weeks so I either have to let a male doctor I've never met shove dye up my who-ha or I have to wait another cycle. I am having bad cramps and feeling super emotional and that was not what I needed to hear. Of course I'm sucking it up and doing it but I just feel like I really need a win right now...

So, it's been a rough couple of days. We went to Michigan for Grandmas funeral and we've been home for a couple of days.

I've been so exhausted lately and seem to have a bit of a stomach bug. I've had a low grade fever. Of course, the crazy woman in me has been attributing every one of these things to early pregnancy signs. I'm expecting my period on Friday so it is way too early. I also had some spotting today which isn't really normal for me and could be a pregnancy sign but could also just mean Aunt Flo is on her way...

I'd love to be more optimistic but I'm not really feeling like there is any chance.

Yet, I know I will still be crushed.